Tonight I Learned

Published February 22, 2014 by hannie

I seem to have this serious issue with going to public events. I need to be organized and focused and ready to move around the room and that’s what I do. I can’t go with anyone because that distracts me from my objective. I’m looking for that awesome story that inspires you to get up and vote.

I’m trying to find that human element that’s gonna draw you in and somehow motivate you to let your voice be heard.

Anyways, so I’m just stressing the whole way to this event. I’m the lone democrat in a sea of republicans. That actually isn’t as hard as one would think. Approximately 1/3 of this room either knows me and tolerates me, or knows me and we actually are acquaintances if not outright friends. But still, I am the lone democrat. So when the fire alarm trips, yes I *am* the first person everyone is going to point at. (It wasn’t me and the kitsap republican constituency knows this)

I put myself into what would normally be termed an “uncomfortable position” and what’s worse is that I let my fear gnaw at me the entire way en route to the event. It doesn’t matter who is hosting the party. I just start letting my mind roll with the “worst case scenario” and my tummy hurts and I feel my heart rate elevate and I want to cry. Many times I’ve talked myself right out of something because you know what, I allow my low self esteem and my fear of others step in and take the wheel and drive. It’s not a good thing to do in my case because I am missing golden opportunities to see and meet people. I know. I’m just proud of myself for walking in and seeing everyone. Well, until that fire alarm thing happened. Gah.

thank you

Published February 11, 2013 by hannie

It’s been an outstanding month so far. I say that with perhaps the slight smack of bitter sarcasm. The best advice came from my son who said something about eating shit sandwiches and I have the power to do anything I darn well feel like doing. Or something like that. He said he wouldn’t make a good motivational speaker. He lies. I mean, he does but he has to get that salty old sailor jargon out of it.

Anyways hey, I wanna thank you for trolling me down. Remember I am a wp-ninja. But here’s something I forgot to tell you, besides code is poetry. I have a real problem staying in focus and perhaps I could even use a couple sessions of hand holding and perhaps some nice encouragement to get me refocused. Most times my friends like to tell me stuff like “gee hannie, you’ve made miracles happen before, do it one more time because you can” or something like that. Shoot. You’re brilliant. You come up with the magic saying to get me motivated again.

In other news, apparently I piss off a lot of people in the course of one month. No really I do. I’ll start with “your way sucks, mine is better”. I say that because I’m used to doing it my way and I minimally ask for help. Sometimes I get really too proud about it. Sometimes I don’t want to take advantage of one’s good nature.

Sometimes my way *does* suck. Your way could be all sorts of better and faster. But you really need to work on selling me on it. I LOVED my high school debate class. So you’re in for a real challenge with this. But you can do it because deep down inside, I like and even respect you.

Oh why am I thanking you? Thanks for trolling me down. Thanks for believing in my ability and I’m sorry that sometimes, I just let the boulders that get thrown my way stomp me down. I’m going through one of those moments. Please forgive me, because I don’t intentionally mean to be rude and drop out of my digital footprint (it’s rather large isn’t it) sometimes.

here we go again

Published February 6, 2013 by hannie

When it rains, it truly pours sometimes. Just like the sheets of rain pouring down on me returning from the doctor's office. Yes, I said doctor's office.

I've decided that it's pretty much pointless to visit a doctor when it comes to my health or my sanity or anywhere in between. Bad things have been happening to me, things that scare me and do you know, my doctor, my new doctor never took a moment to even examine me. Wait no, I take that back.

I actually lifted up my shirt and he felt along my long train track scar and around my abdominal area and said “oh no” repeatedly. I'm used to this. Then he says that all of my medical records state that I have no abdominal wall or muscles left at this point. Yes, that's correct sir and that's why I look the way I do. Then I educated him on how bariatric doctors here in Washington state would be happy to talk to me, but would not do any sort of surgery on me.

I apologized for being such a difficult patient. I mean, he's got only part of the whole medical disaster called me. My abdomen area scares him? I also asked to have labs drawn. Hey doctor, get this…when you see my ferretin level you'll faint on the spot.

All I can do is drink and reflect and pray that I'm alive to do everything I was meant to do and see everything I was meant to see and experience lots of cool stuff. That's about what I'm good for right about now.

The doctor asked me today if I had gone to a pain management clinic. Sure I have. I went to the one at UW where instead of providing pain relief to me via “better living through chemistry” it was mental. Mental in that when you know the pain is coming and it's intense you choose to do something that takes your mind away from pain at hand. For me, coding. music. writing. These are things that keep me feeling sane somehow.

So tomorrow I go and get labs drawn and pray that things are okay. I'm really in my groove despite my crappy situation and I'm determined to not let this get the best of me. Determined.

 

And that my friends is the basis for my new tattoo.

do it to the crowd (part deux)

Published January 25, 2013 by hannie

 

I detest this picture. I detest why I even took it. Here's as much backstory as I'm willing to put out there. I went to a meeting last night. Instead of a “typical meeting” where we work through our differences, come to some semblance of a consensus and everyone's allowed a chance to voice their thought…it was like holy war of the ages. I consistently was shut out, people got either rude, testy or out and out rotten…and I ended the evening yelling out that I'd quit my commitment. That's how frustrated the whole thing truly made me. You don't give a shit about giving me the opportunity to drop opinion, then why the hell am I sitting there wasting my time with the likes of you?

I screamed and ranted and raved to my best friend about my frustration. I did it the minute I was out the door because I was so angry I just couldn't hold back. I was so frustrated and upset over those whom I thought respected me as much as I did them just running me over and stealing my voice from me. Without the second batting of an eyelash to make it even worse. I'll add deeply hurt to my list of emotional crap here. It hurts to think that for the amount of respect I dish out to people, they not only take it but want more and don't even take a second to thank me for my kindness.

Here's a thought. With attitude like that displayed, how are we as a body expected to move forward and get our message (which should honestly be a positive and caring one) out there? If you're expecting others to follow, they surely won't as long as you're spitting piss and vinegar all over the place. I know this fact only first hand, and believe me, every day I want to rip on a fellow democrat and give them all sorts of grief on their performance.

What's that prove if I took that path? It proves that I'm just as counterproductive as the rest of the pack. I refuse to let the rest of you put me in that corner. I'm about informing, enlightening, and doing what I can to move us forward. Take you and your crapass attitude and move to the side. While you're at it, the purple kool aid has been shown through history to not be the best choice of drink. DO NOT feed the hannie.

 

I said

Published December 26, 2012 by hannie

I would try to be a kinder gentler hannie. Screw that, drinking game rules for the special meeting for the 26dems to nominate a replacement for Derek Kilmer…fresh and piping hot for you.

name dropping, especially those of Larry Seaquist or Derek Kilmer +1
(if you’re stupid and name drop MY name, you don’t get a drink after all)

automatic sip for any and all merlot chokers. we salute you.

Toe stomping of fellow 26dems. You are to proceed directly to the corner and are not allowed back out to play until
you’re nicer.

Your ego does TOO need an adjustment just like my own. +2

Education cited as priority +1, add +1 if McCleary decision is worked in to argument.

drop the word “union” multiple times into your platform +1 if using “government + unions” sit down.

touting “economic development and job creation” and that’s it. Just lift the glass. Don’t take a sip.

Your platform relies on monetary worth of cost per vote analysis. Go sit down. You missed the point of a special meeting somewhere.

Connecting Jan Angel to any story that blatantly exhibits why she should not be a legislator. Big swig on that.

worked on numerous 26th LD democrat campaigns. Shut up. We all have.

your sanctimonious ass is larger than Rob McKenna’s. Go visit the corner.

That’s my draft and I’m sticking to it. more later.

Dear YOU

Published November 26, 2012 by hannie

Thanks for popping into my life and oh you are a sight for sore eyes. Seriously, I've missed you.

You know, it's really funny. I treasure each of my friends from childhood as if they were extended family. I figure you've seen me through good, bad and ugly and you never turned your back then, so you naturally shouldn't now. Remember, my childhood was all sorts of vile and ugly and we made the best of every opportunity we could you and I and the rest of our mutual friends. You guys would never let me down, never stab me in the back, never let me fall into despair. I had every opportunity there ready and waiting for me and you never allowed me to take it. Instead, you always showed me a better path and I could never thank you enough for that.

Maybe you weren't able to see the painful black shadows swirling around me when I was growing up. Maybe you saw them and chose to ignore them. Maybe they appeared and you didn't care one bit about that. I treasured you, I valued you, I believed in you and hoped that you believed in me in a platonic familial sense too.

That's why I'm entirely dismayed to learn that somehow I now offend you and put you out. Or maybe it's that I challenge what you think is correct and we're miles away and you're for certain your way is so much better. The years and miles have separated us and I guess it's time we just keep those miles and years distant huh? Sad because I miss what we were. We were young and ready to take on the world and ain't nothing was going to stand in our way.

If you can't accept me at my worst, then you never truly deserved me at my best. Fair winds and following seas dear friend.

Just when

Published October 6, 2012 by hannie

I really wanted to believe that my life was moving in the right direction but then it goes completely off kilter.  I feel like I am stuck in this really bad rut at the moment and I have nowhere to really go or know which direction to take except to say this.  Here comes that rollercoaster road called life again.  It’s like taking a trip on Mayvolt Road with a blindfold on in the passenger seat and you don’t know which curve you’re at.